Hard Tyme

A Hair Metal Haiku Story

By Ian King

 

Greyhound tomorrow

Axe, leathers, Aqua Net: check

“Adios, Fort Wayne!”

 

♫You know where you are?

You’re in the jungle, baby!

DISHWASHER WANTED

 

Looks that kill, pipes too

LA’s most dangerous band

Own transport a plus

 

Rat and Dee can shred

Drummer Spike’s a dick, but hey

He’s got good contacts

 

Slayed the Troubadour

A&R guys want us bad

The chicks want us more

 

 

“You’re gonna be huge!”

“That’s why we hired you, Sal”

“Next time knock, capiche?”

 

“Squeeze” video shoot

The boa looks underfed

Chrissy’s cool with it

 

“Dude, I saw her first!”

Spike’s pissed, Dee nods off on set

Reputation sealed

 

MTV loves us

Sal says Trixter digs our shit

Time to hit the road

 

Pyrotechnics fail

Rat’s eyebrows were nearly toast

“Can you insure bangs?”

 

“Turn the Page” was right

Your thoughts will be wandering

“Goodnight, Milwaukee!”

 

Spike frowns at breakfast

“Chrissy like the ring you bought?”

“Code of the road, bro.”

 

 

Back in studio

Maybe it’s the crack talking

We sing like angels

 

Sales figures are low

Something called “alternative”

Sal says it’s a fad

 

A meeting is called

The gigs with Warrant are off

“Too late for haircuts?”

 

Hi Mom, Hi Major

Fishing in Alaska pays

Forwarding my mail

 

“A postcard arrived.”

Spike and Chrissy got married

Love really does bite 

Ian King is the author of Appetite for Definition: An A-Z Guide to Rock Genres (HarperCollins, 2018) and a contributing music writer for Stereogum, Under the Radar and other places. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife and son.